Brett

Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and Ringo, I thought he'd never leave. I hate cooking for these big parties, means they send our dear Founder De Cuisine over to oversee shit personally. He does the fuckin' thing where he talks really calmly about how wrong you got his bullshit recipe, but you'd really rather he be yelling because then you'd at least know you're working for a human being? I did not pack up and head down here to be treated like this. I know quitting's a headache and a half, but after New Years I'm putting in my two weeks. Fuck this.

[Whistling 'Beyond the Sea' by Bobby Darin]

You know, I gotta say, this ain't such a bad gig! Like sure, the pay is shit, but honestly I've been paid worse in my time. And it comes with room and board, so like... long as I keep my nose down, I can coast along and 'Do my part for New Rapture' or whatever. Besides, makes for good people-watching. We don't exactly get a lot of visitors down here, but the ones we do? Weird fuckin' folks. And there aren't a lot of jobs where you get to rub elbows with any of the Founders without your ass being on the line. One of 'em came by just the other day to check on the restaurant himself. Also a weird fuckin' dude, actually. Meanwhile I just hand out brochures, call in dinner reservations, and buy people tickets to that stupid theme park they just opened. Easy money.

Yeah, New Rapture's an all right place. Better'n a jail cell, anyway.

Work, work, work. You know, it's funny. Outside of this hotel and the Founders' neck of the woods, every idiot worker bee in this town's stuck with weights and punching bags to work out. Or you can take a run in the park, if you don't mind running underneath AND above schools of fish. Long as I change the towels on time, though, I get to use all these fancy machines. They're going on the open market next year, or so they say. But I'll stick to sneaking my fancy runs in for free, if it's all the same to them.

Well, one perk of being hotel groundskeeper? I get ta tuck stuff away for a rainy day. Figure if I have to hide this key for the Founders, might as well tuck something nice for myself in too. So if you ain't me and yer hearing this, put my stuff back!

Anyway, tomorrow's Mayor Fontaine's big New Years thing. He and the Founders are havin' that big shindig, and everyone else is supposed to tune in for some kinda announcement. Honestly, might skip it - it's all anyone's gonna be talkin' about for weeks anyway, whatever it is. So many people here worship the ground the Founders walk on, but I've never seen the appeal. They're just people. One of 'em's even- ah, whatever. They get touchy when you start specifying, and I ain't fool enough to let anyone catch a recording of me talkin' shit. I'm gettin' paid a pretty penny by Fontaine himself just ta know where this box is. Easiest money I've ever made.

Y'know, it's funny bein' a groundskeeper when half the things groundskeepers do're automatic. They got some weird system that feeds the fish, automatic underground sprinkler things, automatic mowers... But I still gotta be here, and I still gotta record "for the city" just like everyone else, thanks to our dear Founder-

[ The first thing of note is the background noise - it sounds like a social gathering of some kind - music and chatter. It's not like there are hundreds of people, but there's a decent number.

Fontaine, without the usual distortion, cuts in above the noise. ]

Alright, alright, settle down, all of ya! It's time!

[ And then all the voices join in. ]

Ten...!

Nine...!

Eight...!

Seven...!

Six...!

Five...!

Four...!

Three...!

Two...!

One...!

[ There's laughter and cheering, and above the crowd, Fontaine speaks again. ]

Happy new year, Founders.

[ And then, very abruptly, the tape cuts off. ]

New Rapture! Citizens, another year will soon be upon us. Finally, we will officially have lasted longer than the last attempt at one 'a these underwater utopias I roped myself into. You know me. I gathered the best of the best, for real this time. New Rapture. Freedom, so long as it pays. And oh, as long as you all follow me, New Rapture? It'll pay.

First, I found the Founders. They helped me open the supply lanes to whole other universes. Who else can do that? Then all of you flowed in, like fish. You know this already. So this New Years, let's all... renew our vows, huh? Make sure you find a way to catch the broadcast. I promise it's worth your while.